Time to Quit?

I admit it.  I wrote those words.  I get frustrated and emotional and discouraged.  I want to look and perform like a CrossFit poster child.  It's not going to happen.  I am so grateful for those of you that support me and call bs when you hear it.  That is why this blog exists.  I need people who are willing to be brutally honest and to challenge me.  However, that street goes both ways. I received these words in response to my frustration, from a person I love and admire.

"I am not trying to be insensitive to your frustration - I can relate all too well.  Give it up and you'll have regret, self-loathing and a fat butt.  Your choice. But quitting just is not an option"

These are awesome words of truth that I needed to hear.  They should be printed out and posted in the kitchen, or just memorized. By YOU and me!!

YOU is the person who wrote those words.  Or is it YOU?  I understand the struggle.  I live it everyday. I understand the pain, the frustration, the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.  It's so much easier to blame the world around us. Let's be honest... there is only one responsible party.  It is YOU and I.

I know the excuses... they are the same ones we hear from alcoholics and addicts everyday.  "You don't understand my situation"; "That won't work for me because..."; "I need to do it my way".  Bullshit. The reality is that the rules apply to everyone.  The ones who succeed in treatment are those who are willing to say "OK, I admit my way is not working, and I will do whatever you tell me I need to do regardless if I like it or not". If 'your way' worked, you wouldn't be in this mess, would you??

Ingesting more calories than your body needs, more than you expend in exercise will result in weight gain.  Weight gain impacts every area of your life and the lives of your family members.  You may not realize it, may not acknowledge it, but it is reality whether or not you are willing to address the issue.

You say that Paleo food doesn't make you happy but from what I can see neither does eating crap and being fat.  You can say "quitting is not an option" to me, but not apply it to yourself.   YOU need to do this for yourself and your family and quit making excuses. It might not be fun, but it's worthwhile.  And you can succeed if you stick with it.

Find a plan.  Do the Paleo Solutions, the Whole Nine, Atkins, Weight Watchers... whatever will work for you.  Log your food so you know what you are eating. Use Fatsecret or livestrong or fitday.  Join the PCF challenge or find another.  Log it all.  Be honest and share it with people that can help you. Get accountable with someone.  YOU don't like accountability?  tough shit. You don't like being fat and unhappy. You're an adult.  It's time to 'man (or woman) up', admit you need some help and quit making excuses.

Food is something your body needs to function.  Food is not a mood, a social event, entertainment or a sedative.  It's fuel.  Use it as intended.  Suck it up, swallow it down and eat enough to not be hungry.  Plan times that you can use food in the above mentioned ways if it helps, but it can't be an everyday occurrence.

My body LOVES carbs and sugar and feels empty without them.  I can ingest an entire cow and still feel hollow inside although my skin is stretched to the limit.  My body is screaming for carbs and sugar.  It doesn't even know what to do with nutrient dense food.  I know logically I can't be hungry, yet I feel like I'm starving.  It's an illusion.  And let's be honest.  How much damage is a few days or weeks of hunger going to inflict?  I could probably fast for a month without needing hospitalization.  After a few weeks my body starts to figure it out and it adjusts. I do eat more often when eating clean, but I am eating what my body needs, not just filling it with over-processed sludge.

YOU can do this. I can do this. and you're right... quitting is not an option.  Suck it up, gather some friends and move forward!!

Jan. 13 - Fight Gone Bad 191.  Not as good as some past scores, but it is what it is.  Clean eating all day!

Today - 'Asses a Fire' - 400 ft lunge, Squats 60/50/30, KB Swings 1 pood (American) 30/20/10   14:04
Power clean 100#PR

Clean until tonight ... had pizza with my sweetie, but back on the band wagon tomorrow.  Body Fat down 1.5% since last week.  :)

Success = Transparency??

Sooo, someone said to me this week... "I saw your blog. It's nice to do that, but it's easy to tell everyone what you're doing when you're successful.  No one wants to share or admit failures".  I had to stop and process that a bit.

First I have to question... are you really reading here??  This blog is for me precisely because I do in fact fail constantly.  Yes, I have had some success... but as a whole, I wouldn't classify myself that way. I gained 8 pounds in the month of December, for crying out loud!!!  I could list the many many reasons, but then will just get hit for being too negative on myself.  Suffice it to say... I do not look or perform like someone two years into CrossFit should.  Have I lost weight?  YES!  Have I improved my fitness? YES! Am I overall better off than I was two years ago? YES!  Have I won the game?  NO!

And weight gain/loss is such a funny thing.  In our (well, MY head anyway) heads its a private struggle that we are scared to share with the world.  REALLY?  Unlike a large variety of issues that people secretly struggle with weight is typically not on the list (yes, there are people who struggle with food/weight issues, but maintain a normal enough weight that the struggle in not apparent. However, those are the minority here in the USA!) How is it that we allow this issue to be put under the table and pretend it doesn't exist? It reminds me of watching a two year old play hide and seek.... they think if they close their eyes and can't see you... you must not be there anymore.  The weight is there.... for the whole world to see, but somehow our private mirrors become warped and untrue.

When Ginhamsburg first approached me about joining their 'Unstuck' program I was appalled.  I was told I would have to stand on stage with my weight and measurements listed on the big screen.  I would be video taped and interviewed... thousands of people would know my secrets (weight); something my husband of 13 years didn't even know. I was sure people would even question why I was involved in such a program.  I was sure they would think... "you certainly don't need a program like that".  Yet, as I stood on that stage... (one of the most difficult moments in a not easy life) I realized the opposite was true.  The whole world knew I had a weight problem.  It was apparent to everyone.  They may not have known exactly what I was eating... but clearly I was eating way more than my body needed for sustenance.  There was no secret.  No one was surprised but me.

That moment was my first step into transparency and honesty.  And while it was difficult, I believe it was necessary.  It is only when we are honest with ourselves that we can be honest with others and expect the same in return. At that point I had no idea if I would be successful.  It is probably safe to say I assumed I would not be.  How many thousands of diets had I failed in the last few years?  I became 'transparent' because I was desperate and out of options.  Whey did it have to come to that??

  How is it that we live in a country where it's normal to hear "I'm going to start going to the gym as soon as I've lost my first 20 pounds"? What does that say about our perspective on fitness and exercise?  Is fitness only for the beautiful ones;  the ones who simply glisten as they 'work out' and read Vogue Magazine?  Why are we afraid to admit fitness is hard and dirty work?  Necessary work.

No one I know would stand by and just watch a friend walking in front of an oncoming semi.  But we will sit at dinner watching a morbidly obese friend take their third helping of desert.  Why is it not ok to say, I love you, I'm concerned about you and how can I help you? Are we afraid to talk about health lest we condemn ourselves with our habits?  In silence we are all accomplices. 

Here is a recent study that shows friends can and do influence our weight.   It shows that
"The more obese friends you have, the more likely you are to become obese, a new study suggests. This confirms previous research that gaining weight may be socially contagious. Researchers aren't sure why this is true. It may be that if you have a lot of friends with unhealthy eating habits, you wind up with similar eating habits, Rand says."

ok, enough rant.  Suffice to say I am here because I struggle daily... minute to minute.  I have found the only way to make this work is with honesty, accountability and positive peer pressure.   I hope that someone loves each of you enough to start being honest.  It could save a life.

WOD on empty stomach

Power Snatch (had to scale to 45#)
Burpees
KB swings 35#
Double Unders

10/9/8/7/6/5/4/3/2/1  17:33

Post wod - hard boiled egg
Lunch  - shredded beef, green peppers/onions/almonds
Dinner - Zucchini stuffed with ground chicken, onions/garlic, almonds

Jan. 6

PCF wod - 6 Handstand Push-ups (scaled with static handstand hold)
                   9 power cleans (scaled to 85/then 75)
                   12 weighted ring dips (well, my body is plenty weighted... still used a small band)
                   15 box jumps   ya, we all know how I feel about those!
                   1 rope climb (scaled with knotted rope)
                                                   4 rounds for time    22:40
Only good thing I'll say about this is that my rope climbs are getting better.  I'll take anything I can get! ;)

Hump Day Survival Mode

Low on sleep and patience. :)  Exhausted from lack of sleep.  Had profound thoughts, but they will have to wait till tomorrow. ;)

Food was... sub par.

Benchmark 1 rep max today for the  Recomp-Revolution @ Practice CrossFit  so-so.  Thruster 85# (pr), Back Squat 125#, Deadlift 215#.  Have 5 weeks to get those numbers up!

Did Measurements today.  Wow, depressing.  Have 5 weeks to get THOSE numbers down!!!
Get it together girl!!!!

Confessions of a Tuesday

No wod, no measurements done.  Home with a sick kid. planned on doing cardio... nope! :(

2 eggs, 2.3 ounces of ground chicken, 1 tbs of coconut oil, green tea,
4 almonds, 1 liter of water
black beans (yep, I know), shredded beef, peppers and onions, diet coke
ham, acorn squash w/ cinnamon
some popcorn (YES it's a grain and I will probably die in my sleep!!!)
But upward and onward.... :) Sweet dreams all!

The Ugly Truth

I share these only because I know how much hope I can derive from seeing someone else struggling to succeed. This is also a good reality check for myself as when I look in the mirror I don't see the weight loss and I'm easily discouraged.If anyone has suggestions on a better way to share photos, please let me know... I'm hopeless at the computer!

I don't know how I didn't realize it.  I knew I was gaining weight.. but figured it wasn't that much or that bad.  It's amazing the tricks the mind can play on you.  Then things started to happen that I just couldn't ignore.  I couldn't fit in a life jacket in Mexico, my arthritis was getting worse and stairs were hard, I wouldn't take my kids to the pool anymore.  Reality started to sink in and I felt hopeless.

A new day, a new year!

Ok... another attempt at accountability.  I don't really like that word or anything that it implies, but I believe it is a significant part of living a life of integrity.  You'll notice on my first few posts, I didn't really get around to talking about what food I ate.  This is just a little bit too much honesty for me, but I'm going to give it a go. It's not like those cheat days are a state secret... they hang out (right below my waist) for all to see.  How embarrassing.  Does the whole world really care what I ate today?  NOPE!   and I'm guessing that most of the world will never see this page.  This is for myself and for those of you who help me along on a daily basis.  As many times as I have tried to make this life change I never had any successes until I was willing to admit I had a problem and needed help.  Yes, I know what that sounds like... and every page of the 'Big Book' applies to me if you substitute food for alcohol.

I prayed that something would happen and along came Chastity Slone and Practice CrossFit.  Chas was willing to work with me as part of a 'biggest loser' church program.  I only had to stand on a stage in front of literally thousands of people with my weight and measurements on the video screen above.  I thought I would rather die, but then realized.... I was dying... diet and lack of exercise was killing me before my time.  I took the leap!

The community at Practice CrossFit (www.gopractice.biz) is unlike anything I have ever encountered.  They offer honesty, humility, encouragement, accountability... what I would call 'tough love'.  There to push and pull when I need it, but always willing to pick me up if I just can't; loving and supporting even when I fail myself and others.

ANYWAY.... current goal date is Feb. 5 (departure for a vacation).  I would like to lose 15 pounds by then (which includes the 8 I put on during my month long binge!!!) I know it will take me a bit to get back into the paleo swing of things.  And  a trip to the grocery store, but I've been in bed sick for the last few days.

Today:
Cup of tea with a Tbs of Coconut Oil in it (WHAT????  don't ask... I have no idea what I was thinking... well, actually, I was thinking my throat still really hurt, hopefully the fat would give me some energy since it's my first time out of bed in days and hoped the anti-viral, anti-bacterial lauric acid might be of some benefit)

Panera for lunch (post wod)  Again... WHAT WAS I THINKING??  well, to be honest I was sooo concerned with trying to avoid temptations that I didn't think.  I ordered a greek salad and a cup of tomato soup.  PROTEIN anyone???  I have to credit some of this lack of processing due to my head still being full of goo.

So of course I was starving shortly there after and ran to chipotle to get some protein (remember I haven't been to the store since before Christmas since we were out of town and I've been sick since!).  had a chipotle bowl with black beans (yes, I know), shredded beef, veggies and salsas.

Starving again and my dear hubby is bringing home a steak salad!!  can't wait!

Wow, this honesty stuff sucks.  I guess the most I can hope for is that no one will actually read this! LOL

WOD - Cindy 11 rounds. purple banded pull ups and knee push ups.  Considering how I felt... I was happy with it.  That's all folks!  Most days will just be a food and exercise summary.  Thanks for being here with me!